Welcome To Philadelphia: Duck Mutha Fu*ka!

Up until Fall of 2006 I had spent my entire life living in a rural/suburban section of Central Pennsylvania. To be more descriptive, I'd call it Amish farmland with housing developments built in clusters upon it. I'm not going to beat around the bush, I grew up as a pretty privileged child. So, when I moved to my new home in North Philadelphia in early Fall of '06 I could not have predicted the vast amount of changes to my "street smarts."

Let me indulge you with a few rules..

1. No matter what, don't give a bum change. He may only need "tirdy-fi cent" but he's still going to hassle ever other person who passes him to "spare suh change please." I have heard every reason under the sun as to why I should give up my money to a bum, but when it comes down to it he shouldn't have spent his welfare check on other shit when he knew he needed food to eat. Listen, I'm on a tight budget too, buddy.

2. It is important to learn local lingo. Before I learned the local vernacular I was completely confused as to whether some of the people in my neighborhood were even speaking English. This wasn't restricted to people on the street, but included nearly everyone who worked in local businesses as well. Thank God I figured out what they were saying because for a while I had no idea why people kept calling me "Mama". I could have sworn that I never had any children, and evenso, I don't think its possible for me to be your mother if you are older than me.

3. Obnoxious Rims are a status symbol. Sometimes I'd see cars drive by with 20 inch rims that are likely worth more than the car itself. Not only does it look ridiculous, but in time I came to find that in my neighborhood these obnoxious rims were a delcaration of your status. Sure, you live in the projects, can't afford to pay your child support, have another kid on the way, but daaamn you be lookin so fly with yo dubs. I describe these goons as being "hood rich."

4. Beware of the Tumble-weave. Nothing says "I care about my community" more than throwing your old hair weave onto the streets. These weaves wander and live a life of their own as parasites. They live off of other trash and at times may become rabid on a windy day and attack an unuspecting pedestrian. Ladies, please help control the tumble-weave population and dispose of your weave properly.

5. Four Wheelers are a proper form of transportation. No, I'm not talking about a car, I really meant a four wheeler. The damn things my brothers and their friends would go off roading on for fun. Somehow these things made their way onto the streets of n. Philadelphia and people travel in "four wheeler gangs" around the streets, popping wheelys, doing burnouts, and other dangerous and foolish maneuvers that would not fly anywhere else in the world.


I hope you have been englightened. I'd like to point out that if I'm coming off a little bit arrogant it is because I am one of the few in my group of peers that has not been mugged or shot yet. That's fu*cking rare 'round these parts.