ART MUSEUM AREA- "I could never look that dumb while trying to claim my dominance over another canine," Says local Pit Bull/Boxer mix who goes solely by the name 'King' while recalling the earlier scene of two toy poodles who became aggressive towards each other. "There I was smelling a gray hydrant and behind me I hear two of the wimpiest barks that I have ever heard." What came next was a nearly tragic event. A six-year-old toy poodle named 'Lucky V' became agitated by another toy poodle when he was being sniffed from behind. Before he knew it, two-year-old 'Bear' was being lunged at teeth first by a hysterical looking six-year-old. Bear and Lucky V were quickly and easily pulled away by their owners, however onlooking Pit Bulls could not help but be disgusted by the incident. "If that was one of our kind, we would be sent down the street to live with Michael Vick," adds King, "Pit Bulls are very misunderstood. We are stubborn and sometimes grouchy, but we would NEVER, and I mean NEVER wear our hair like that! If there is any dog that deserves to be discriminated against, choose the one with the dumb haircut."
Special Thanks to Local Dog Whisperer Larry Woolf for translation services.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Re: Mass Email to Lecture Course with 150+ students
Dear Ali Alphabetchski,
I am just beside myself to hear that you were so ill on Thursday that you missed the 50 minute lecture. I'd gladly fill you in on what you missed. The professor was in such a great mood because he found out that his ex wife had died and since he is the father of her children he is receiving her 6.2 Billion Dollar fortune. He said that since 'the spoiled bitch who stole my fortune and made me return to work so I could pay child support' was dead and he could finally live with his kids again. With his fortune. Then he told us he was having the best day of his life in 8 years so as a surprise he brought us all those nifty little netbook computers, which he said were 'on the house' because he has his '2million shares of Dell back.' Yeah too bad you missed Lecture and just wasted a couple minutes reading this email.You were as much of a minor inconvenience to me as I was to you. Read your syllabus asshole. And don't f*cking miss class that's the whole reason you do your own scheduling.
Get Well Soon,
I am just beside myself to hear that you were so ill on Thursday that you missed the 50 minute lecture. I'd gladly fill you in on what you missed. The professor was in such a great mood because he found out that his ex wife had died and since he is the father of her children he is receiving her 6.2 Billion Dollar fortune. He said that since 'the spoiled bitch who stole my fortune and made me return to work so I could pay child support' was dead and he could finally live with his kids again. With his fortune. Then he told us he was having the best day of his life in 8 years so as a surprise he brought us all those nifty little netbook computers, which he said were 'on the house' because he has his '2million shares of Dell back.' Yeah too bad you missed Lecture and just wasted a couple minutes reading this email.You were as much of a minor inconvenience to me as I was to you. Read your syllabus asshole. And don't f*cking miss class that's the whole reason you do your own scheduling.
Get Well Soon,
Monday, September 14, 2009
If I was Taylor Swift
THE VMA FOR DOUCHEBAG OF THE YEAR GOES TO:
KANYE WEST!
Kanye: "Wow, I totally deserve this, I've done a lot this year to prove my arrogance and I'm totally not that hot right now..."
Taylor Swift: "Excuse me Kanye, I am really happy for you, but I'd like to say that you have catchy music but it really does get old after I've heard it three times. Daft Punk is the real reason your "Stronger" single was a hit, and you've really shown your level of classlessness by dating a stripper from Philadelphia. I know how classless Philly strippers are because I am from the area. By the way, I am 19 years old and write, play, and sing my own music, which even though is classified as 'Country' has broken the barrier and I have won many mainstream music awards. Yeah, your girl Beyonce had a pretty fly video, but it really didn't compare to mine. I understand that you are black and from Chicago, like our President, but that doesn't mean people care about what you think. I'm the one with my name on front of the current issue of Rolling Stone, not you, so get your ass off of the stage and get back into the studio to 'drop some new jams' cause right now your shit is weak!"
KANYE WEST!
Kanye: "Wow, I totally deserve this, I've done a lot this year to prove my arrogance and I'm totally not that hot right now..."
Taylor Swift: "Excuse me Kanye, I am really happy for you, but I'd like to say that you have catchy music but it really does get old after I've heard it three times. Daft Punk is the real reason your "Stronger" single was a hit, and you've really shown your level of classlessness by dating a stripper from Philadelphia. I know how classless Philly strippers are because I am from the area. By the way, I am 19 years old and write, play, and sing my own music, which even though is classified as 'Country' has broken the barrier and I have won many mainstream music awards. Yeah, your girl Beyonce had a pretty fly video, but it really didn't compare to mine. I understand that you are black and from Chicago, like our President, but that doesn't mean people care about what you think. I'm the one with my name on front of the current issue of Rolling Stone, not you, so get your ass off of the stage and get back into the studio to 'drop some new jams' cause right now your shit is weak!"
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Welcome To Philadelphia: Duck Mutha Fu*ka!
Up until Fall of 2006 I had spent my entire life living in a rural/suburban section of Central Pennsylvania. To be more descriptive, I'd call it Amish farmland with housing developments built in clusters upon it. I'm not going to beat around the bush, I grew up as a pretty privileged child. So, when I moved to my new home in North Philadelphia in early Fall of '06 I could not have predicted the vast amount of changes to my "street smarts."
Let me indulge you with a few rules..
1. No matter what, don't give a bum change. He may only need "tirdy-fi cent" but he's still going to hassle ever other person who passes him to "spare suh change please." I have heard every reason under the sun as to why I should give up my money to a bum, but when it comes down to it he shouldn't have spent his welfare check on other shit when he knew he needed food to eat. Listen, I'm on a tight budget too, buddy.
2. It is important to learn local lingo. Before I learned the local vernacular I was completely confused as to whether some of the people in my neighborhood were even speaking English. This wasn't restricted to people on the street, but included nearly everyone who worked in local businesses as well. Thank God I figured out what they were saying because for a while I had no idea why people kept calling me "Mama". I could have sworn that I never had any children, and evenso, I don't think its possible for me to be your mother if you are older than me.
3. Obnoxious Rims are a status symbol. Sometimes I'd see cars drive by with 20 inch rims that are likely worth more than the car itself. Not only does it look ridiculous, but in time I came to find that in my neighborhood these obnoxious rims were a delcaration of your status. Sure, you live in the projects, can't afford to pay your child support, have another kid on the way, but daaamn you be lookin so fly with yo dubs. I describe these goons as being "hood rich."
4. Beware of the Tumble-weave. Nothing says "I care about my community" more than throwing your old hair weave onto the streets. These weaves wander and live a life of their own as parasites. They live off of other trash and at times may become rabid on a windy day and attack an unuspecting pedestrian. Ladies, please help control the tumble-weave population and dispose of your weave properly.
5. Four Wheelers are a proper form of transportation. No, I'm not talking about a car, I really meant a four wheeler. The damn things my brothers and their friends would go off roading on for fun. Somehow these things made their way onto the streets of n. Philadelphia and people travel in "four wheeler gangs" around the streets, popping wheelys, doing burnouts, and other dangerous and foolish maneuvers that would not fly anywhere else in the world.
I hope you have been englightened. I'd like to point out that if I'm coming off a little bit arrogant it is because I am one of the few in my group of peers that has not been mugged or shot yet. That's fu*cking rare 'round these parts.
Let me indulge you with a few rules..
1. No matter what, don't give a bum change. He may only need "tirdy-fi cent" but he's still going to hassle ever other person who passes him to "spare suh change please." I have heard every reason under the sun as to why I should give up my money to a bum, but when it comes down to it he shouldn't have spent his welfare check on other shit when he knew he needed food to eat. Listen, I'm on a tight budget too, buddy.
2. It is important to learn local lingo. Before I learned the local vernacular I was completely confused as to whether some of the people in my neighborhood were even speaking English. This wasn't restricted to people on the street, but included nearly everyone who worked in local businesses as well. Thank God I figured out what they were saying because for a while I had no idea why people kept calling me "Mama". I could have sworn that I never had any children, and evenso, I don't think its possible for me to be your mother if you are older than me.
3. Obnoxious Rims are a status symbol. Sometimes I'd see cars drive by with 20 inch rims that are likely worth more than the car itself. Not only does it look ridiculous, but in time I came to find that in my neighborhood these obnoxious rims were a delcaration of your status. Sure, you live in the projects, can't afford to pay your child support, have another kid on the way, but daaamn you be lookin so fly with yo dubs. I describe these goons as being "hood rich."
4. Beware of the Tumble-weave. Nothing says "I care about my community" more than throwing your old hair weave onto the streets. These weaves wander and live a life of their own as parasites. They live off of other trash and at times may become rabid on a windy day and attack an unuspecting pedestrian. Ladies, please help control the tumble-weave population and dispose of your weave properly.
5. Four Wheelers are a proper form of transportation. No, I'm not talking about a car, I really meant a four wheeler. The damn things my brothers and their friends would go off roading on for fun. Somehow these things made their way onto the streets of n. Philadelphia and people travel in "four wheeler gangs" around the streets, popping wheelys, doing burnouts, and other dangerous and foolish maneuvers that would not fly anywhere else in the world.
I hope you have been englightened. I'd like to point out that if I'm coming off a little bit arrogant it is because I am one of the few in my group of peers that has not been mugged or shot yet. That's fu*cking rare 'round these parts.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Humble Beginings
I have decided to begin a blog. I have no idea if people will care about what I have to write about, or if I will even care what I write about.
What am I going to write about?
My daily life (and opinion) from my point of view, in addition to my random thoughts on life.
Who am I?
I am an average citizen who will remain nameless. I will not reveal my identity, much like a member of a Jury.
What influenced me to create a blog?
Jury Duty...
...At 8:00 in the morning on September 11, 2009 I was dropped off for my first experience with Jury Duty in front of the Philadelphia Criminal Justice Center. Horray. I had experienced every hassle under the sun the entire week procedeing to this point, so Jury Duty, in a sence, was the 'cherry on top'.
Hurry up and wait was the theme of the day. I found out that some guy was suing his doctor because of medical malpractice. Basically this guy had to get his leg amputated and I might have to sit on a Jury to decide whether or not the doctor f'ed up big time, or if this "victim" was being an asshole who doesn't have any other way to deal with the loss of his leg except to blame the doctor who physically removed it.
To my first point: No matter what the outcome is, this "victim" will still be without his original leg. Do you really have to sue? Like that sucks big time that you lost your leg and all, but I'm sorry to say, but you're never getting it back. Will money really fill the emotional void you have? Nope, probably not. Can I go home now? No?
I completed my civic duty with the honor of not being chosen to come back for the estimated 7 day trial. Whan an appropriate ending to my week.
What am I going to write about?
My daily life (and opinion) from my point of view, in addition to my random thoughts on life.
Who am I?
I am an average citizen who will remain nameless. I will not reveal my identity, much like a member of a Jury.
What influenced me to create a blog?
Jury Duty...
...At 8:00 in the morning on September 11, 2009 I was dropped off for my first experience with Jury Duty in front of the Philadelphia Criminal Justice Center. Horray. I had experienced every hassle under the sun the entire week procedeing to this point, so Jury Duty, in a sence, was the 'cherry on top'.
Hurry up and wait was the theme of the day. I found out that some guy was suing his doctor because of medical malpractice. Basically this guy had to get his leg amputated and I might have to sit on a Jury to decide whether or not the doctor f'ed up big time, or if this "victim" was being an asshole who doesn't have any other way to deal with the loss of his leg except to blame the doctor who physically removed it.
To my first point: No matter what the outcome is, this "victim" will still be without his original leg. Do you really have to sue? Like that sucks big time that you lost your leg and all, but I'm sorry to say, but you're never getting it back. Will money really fill the emotional void you have? Nope, probably not. Can I go home now? No?
I completed my civic duty with the honor of not being chosen to come back for the estimated 7 day trial. Whan an appropriate ending to my week.
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